Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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