I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
