yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
