I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
