If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
