i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
