I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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