So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
