Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
