every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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