Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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