I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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