Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
