she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
