I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
