turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
