Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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