I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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