So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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