the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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