He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
