I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
