God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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