she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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