just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
