i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
