Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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