eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize