I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize