i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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