Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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