Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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