did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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