i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
