At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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