i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
