I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
