if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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