I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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