You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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