So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
