I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize