He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
