I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
