Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize