dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize