Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
