girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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