Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
