It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
