My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
