having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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