she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
