I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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