im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
