I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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