why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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