she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
