I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
